Saturday, September 25, 2010

Oh, how He loves us

“It is impossible for that man to despair who remembers that his Helper is omnipotent.”
- Jeremy Taylor

As I have mentioned before, waiting really isn’t my passion. It has been quite a struggle lately. We got our state background checks back saying we are “suitable to adopt”. Gee, thanks Alabama! :) Brian finished his internet training (if you know my procrastinator husband, then you know this is a big deal!) We are still praying about the country situation. Yes, that little, tiny, critical detail. I honestly don’t know how you decide something like that but we really need to do so like yesterday. In the middle of all of this Brian got out of the army and changed jobs. Crazy? Yeah, crazy is kind of our normal. So, this has given us some time to get all the new financial papers updated. I keep reminding myself it is all about God’s timing and that no matter how indecisive we are, we are not big enough to stop the will of God. Thank goodness!

On a funny note, I was really struggling last week with how all of these millions of details will possibly come together. Feeling very distressed, I was praying to God and just sharing all of my feelings. I told Him that I knew what He had said and that He was more than able but I needed Him to help me overcome some of the doubt I was struggling with. As it turns out I was starting a New Testament class where we are going through an intense study of – you guessed it – the New Testament. The first part is about Zechariah and how He was praying in the temple and God told him that He was going to give him a son. Zechariah didn’t believe God because it seemed impossible (he was old and his wife couldn’t have a baby). So, God did give him a son but because Zechariah hadn’t believed God, He made him mute for the duration of the pregnancy. I read this, remembering my prayers from the day before and I just had to laugh and say “ok, Lord. That helps”. If you ever wondered if God has a sense of humor, well I am convinced He does!! So no big updates yet, but I’m as convinced as ever that God is at work.

“When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.
Oh, how he loves us.” -(song by David Crowder Band)

Sunday, September 5, 2010

God Rules and Overrules

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,"
declares the LORD. – Isaiah 55:8

This is difficult to write. Sometimes we set our fears down and decide we are going to follow wherever God leads. We listen, we pray, and we set out in the direction we think he has called us. And sometimes, we get it wrong.

When we first started the adoption process we were open to adopting any child. Our only stipulation was that we wanted to adopt a child that would not have a family otherwise. We narrowed down the options and prayed. You have heard the story- we decided God was calling us to adopt from Ethiopia. We were working with Lifeline (who has been AMAZING) but had to find another agency who had an Ethiopia program. We had concerns about that agency so we searched for another one and found one that seemed to be recommended by several people. It didn’t take long to see that in our experience there were some things that gave us caution about proceeding with them. To say this was frustrating is an understatement. I was frustrated. I was weepy and I hate being weepy. Our home study has been rolling right along and we are ready to move forward with the rest of the paperwork and make progress with our dossier. Brian and I decided to take a few days off and just pray about things and whether we should just keep looking for an agency we felt comfortable with. Finally, Brian came to me and said that maybe this wasn’t about agencies after all and God was really closing the door to Ethiopia. My heart sank. Could he be right?

When you choose a country you begin to research and learn everything about that place and those people. Suddenly there are a few characteristics you know your child will have and you begin to piece together this vague idea of what your child might look like and who they might be. You begin to daydream about this child. You long for this child. And suddenly you are faced with the question, “what if that isn’t God’s plan”? You find you have two choices. Either you can push for what you feel you want or you can stop and wait for God’s direction and be thankful that He knows things that you don’t.

We still believe we should move forward with the adoption. We have an amazing agency that we completely trust and they work all over the world to help orphans. So we thought it was worth taking some time to pray and make sure we aren’t running ahead of God by looking for another road when there is one right under our nose. We are praying. We are saving. I wish I could say I always know where God is leading and I always have clear directions. But I promised honesty and transparency folks. The truth is I get frustrated and I get confused. I get really impatient. I don't mind waiting on the process as much as I do knowing they are waiting on us to make a decision. The only thing I can say for sure is that where ever God is leading- it’s good. Road blocks are for our good. So I will thank Him when He opens doors for us, and I will thank Him when He closes the wrong ones. Is the door to Ethiopia closed? I don’t know. There are lots of really good agencies out there and we could find one. Maybe this is all just about His timing. But we aren’t searching for just any child. We are searching for the one He set apart to be a Kessler. My "mother's heart" feels like a piece of it is missing. Yet, He is Holy. So we are waiting with bated breath for Him to reveal what it is He has known all along.

“All eyes are on You, Lord. All eyes are on You.”