Our Adoption - FAQ

We get tons of questions and many are the same ones over and over. Don't get me wrong- we love your questions! We are so grateful that people are interested in our adoption process or adoption in general. We just thought it would be helpful to answer some of those questions here. 

"Where are you adopting from"?

Ethiopia!

"Why did you choose Ethiopia/ not choose foster adoption"?

After  a LOT of research we just felt like God was putting Ethiopia on our hearts. At the time, the agency we were working with for our homestudy didn’t even do Ethiopian adoptions. We had several delays, including a job change. The day after Brian got his new job we were told that our agency had begun to do Ethiopia adoptions again. There were a lot of things that made it a good fit for our family- including the fact that we only have to spend 5-7 days at a time in country. That is a big deal when you have four other kids you are leaving behind to travel. Basically, over the last 3 years God has more than confirmed this is where He is leading us. 

"Why not adopt from U.S. foster care"?

When we first started to think about adoption we were open to adopting from anywhere. We did make several calls to inquire about foster care adoption. We also spoke with an agency and gathered information about domestic (private) adoption as well as international adoption. We honestly felt discouraged by the foster care system and there are clearly some things that are broken. In the future, we would be very happy if God called us to somehow advocate for reform or even adopt from foster care. For now, that isn’t where he called us. We feel strongly that one type adoption is not necessarily better than another. It all matters, because each of these children matter to God!

"Are you adopting a boy or a girl? Will it be a baby or an older child"?

We had the ability to choose but we didn’t. We will be matched with a child age 0-3 of either gender. You have the ability to choose the age and gender that best fits your family. We felt like the best fit for our family would be a child that is younger than Gavin (who is now 4).

"Africa has an HIV epidemic. Are you worried about HIV"?

No. All of the kids are tested for HIV. There are two separate waiting lists- one for HIV positive children and one for “healthy” children, or with other special needs. We chose not to do an HIV positive adoption. However, we have learned a lot about HIV and encourage others to be educated as well. We now know that it can NOT be spread to others through casual contact, sharing drinks, etc. and HIV positive children do not pose any risk to others in their home. 

"How much does it cost"?

When all is said and done, we will have spent about $30,000. I think this is the part most people struggle to comprehend. I think it depends on your perspective. In 2006 I was pregnant with our third child. I walked onto a car lot and purchased a brand new minivan (something I would probably not do again)! No one gave a second thought when I paid close to $30,000 for a vehicle. Yet, somehow we bristle at the idea of spending that to adopt a child. If a vehicle is worth $30,000, how much more is a life worth? Furthermore, Jesus said that where ever our treasure is, our heart will be also. If our heart is with the orphans of Ethiopia I reckon it’s safer there than it would be in any material thing. God’s economy is different, folks.

"Why does it cost so much? Who gets all that money"?

Understanding where the money goes helps. Part of it is paid to our agency for their services. They provide us with a homestudy which includes visits to our house and lots of paperwork. They walk us through the process step by step and make it possible to wade through all the red tape. They authenticate documents, run a transition home in Ethiopia, and do too much other stuff to list here. Lifeline is a non-profit and also runs a program called “unadopted” which helps children that will never be adopted.

Another large chunk of the money goes to a “referral fee” that is paid to Ethiopia. It is humanitarian aid. There are lots of “little cost” that add up as well. We needed two passports, certified copies of birth certificates and marriage licenses, a $890 fee to apply for immigration; there are visas, etc. etc.

The travel accounts for several thousand. Two trips are required, which means we (both) have to fly to Ethiopia twice. Then there is lodging and food while we are there. So as you can see, we aren’t paying $30,000 to an agency or to Ethiopia. It all just adds up. And we are fine with that. We consider it “ransom”. And frankly, I think God is all about high cost adoption- he didn’t spare a thing when He adopted us into His family. Why should we?

"Wow. You must be rollin in the dough to afford that"!

Negative. The costs are broken up into payments. So far we have paid about $8000 of that. We are about to make another payment of $3000, which God has already provided. We have applied for a grant with a Christian ministry that helps families adopt and are praying for some assistance there. We are also saving, stretching, and praying and God has provided every need, although often at the last minute! We believe that if God calls you He will fund it every time. There are plenty of families out there who can attest to this!

"Where are you in the process"?

• We have completed our homestudy. (Homestudy= social worker visits and mountains of paperwork, 18 hours of video education, 2 books to read, various other things).
• We have applied to USCIS (immigration) and will be getting our fingerprints done this week as part of that process.
• We are compiling our dossier (dossier = homestudy +immigration approval + 20 other documents). Once we get immigration approval back our dossier will be sent to our agency, authenticated in D.C. and sent to Ethiopia!!
• Once our dossier is in Ethiopia, we will be assigned a number on the wait list. The wait list exists not because there aren't enough children needing homes (there are over 5 million!) but because they can only process so many cases per day. There are a lot of families adopting, and for that we are grateful.

   

    "But…. You’re white."

(Gasp). What?! Ugh, we hadn't thought of that!

People, clearly we thought of this. If we hadn't  the interracial adoption exercises we had to complete for our homestudy would have brought it to light. If we didn't  the 9 hours of training we had to go through with the international adoption clinic in Birmingham (including sessions on racial identity) would have. We get it. And here is the thing: black parents might be better equipped to raise a black child. That may very well be true. However, there is not an abundance of adoptive parents and a shortage of children. This isn’t a question of black parents vs. white parents. It is a question of white parents vs. NO parents. There is a desperate, desperate need for children to be adopted. It is estimated that 1 in 8 children die before their 5^th birthday in Ethiopia. So, no, your concerns about my race don’t move me.

1  "Aren’t you worried about the child will deal with racism, persecution, or identity issues- especially since you live in the south"?

This is a legitimate question and I think it deserves a thoughtful response. Racism is very real and we are not blind to that. But the question always makes me smile a little because you have to understand- I am raising all of my kids to be persecuted. Is that not what the Bible says? That if we stand firm in our faith for Christ we will be laughed at, mocked, or even persecuted? Well, I still teach my children to stand firm in their faith anyway. I teach them that their identity is in Christ. They are valuable because GOD says they are valuable and no person, no status, no mistake, and nothing else can ever take that away from them. I am not minimizing the struggle many adopted kids feel or what we may need to handle as we raise a child of a different race. In the end though, the fact that something isn't easy doesn't mean it isn't right. I think everyone struggles in some way with identity if it isn't rooted in Christ. And two parents who love and adore him/her will give our child an advantage that so many children are missing today- black, white, or otherwise. Ultimately, racism is a sin and although we realize we can’t escape the fact that it exists, we won’t let it rule our lives or decisions either.

We sincerely appreciate everyone’s support and interest in our adoption process. We would love it if you would pray with us for the rest of the journey, and especially for our child! 

The Waiting Room

Its been a while since I have written. Its been a while since I have posted what I have written. Its been over six months since I was faithful to blog and I am not really sure how to explain all that has happened. I scan through the things I have written as if one might fill in the holes to the story. Each time I read and reminisce and think “too raw”, “too vulnerable” or just realize its too long of a story and remember why I haven't blogged.

Its been three years since we first heard God’s call to adopt. We immediately said “yes” and began to pursue an adoption. We quickly learned that there is a season for everything, and the season you are called is not always the same season in which is comes to pass. Or should we say “ever” the season it comes to pass? We hit more than our fair share of hurdles. Maybe we just ran ahead of God and didn't count the cost. Maybe He intended to teach us a few things along the way to prepare us and grow us until we were ready. Maybe both.

So often adoption feels like a visit to the doctors office. You sit forever in the waiting room. Then eventually, when you think you just can’t take it anymore, you see some movement. Someone calls your name and leads you through a door and you are making progress. Then, they sit you in a smaller room: and everyone knows the smaller room takes longer than the big room! Adoption is often like that – with 3424 times more paperwork.

Several times we started a homestudy and each time something prevented us from finishing it. Each time it was hard on us. So when our agency called a few months ago and asked us how we were and if we were ready to pick up the adoption process again, I honestly told the coordinator that I didn't know. We still felt the call, and we still had the desire, but we weren't quite as naive as we were three years ago. We knew the sacrifice it would take. The risk, the emotional investment, and the ups and downs we would no doubt experience. Our agency was fantastic- patient and prayerful.

Yet as the days went on, we knew that we were so sure of God’s call that at this point we didn't need Him to confirm it anymore than He already had. So we began… hesitantly at first… to renew all of those homestudy documents. And you know what? There were no hurdles this time. Everything went smoothly. Each time I would think something would be difficult it wasn't.  Every appoint led to helpful people. Every time money was due God provided. Often Always at the last minute, but He did. I felt Him encouraging me to trust. 

To relax. 

To believe.

I heard a faint whisper of a verse in my ear… “blessed is she who has believed that there would be a fulfillment of what was spoken to her from the Lord ”. I never shared it because I was afraid something might come up and it might not work out. And honestly, I felt like it was a little presumptuous. I struggled to believe that this time would be different. And in its context, that had to do with Mary and the plan God had for her and His Son. Yet, somehow I believed God had a plan for us, too. 

I have seen God work with faith that I assure you has often been as small as a mustard seed. Our homestudy is now finished- written for an Ethiopian adoption. As soon as we got that back we sent it, along with an application, to U.S. immigration to get approval to bring a child into the U.S. We have an appointment to be fingerprinted by the FBI in a little over a week.  

Oh my. Now THAT makes everything feel real. :)

After our fingerprints we wait (hopefully only a couple of weeks) for approval. Then we will send it along with about 20 other documents (called a dossier) to our agency and then on to Ethiopia!! We will then be given a number on the waiting list, not because there are not enough children who need homes (there are an estimated 5 million), but because they can only process so many cases per day and there is a backlog. So we are making progress, yet we still have waiting ahead.

And yet.....

I’m so grateful. I am so grateful God chose to take us this route. We had to learn to listen to His voice- and only His voice. We had to learn to step out into the scary unknown based on only that small whisper. We have counted the cost and we know more about the sacrifice and somehow I think that must make our “yes” all the sweeter to His ears. I asked Brian one last time, “what if it doesn’t work out again”? He quickly replied, “if we have learned anything it is that we will be just fine- either way”. And we will. 

But blessed is she who believed. 

And I do. 

I am so glad He chose to take us down the winding path, through the ups and the downs.... through the waiting room. I am glad because He was there with us the whole time. And the journey has always been about Him anyway. 

We are so excited to see what He has in store!! 

"And I will move ahead bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
While I'm waiting I will serve You
While I'm waiting I will worship
While I'm waiting I will not faint
I'll be running the race even while I wait"  - John Waller,  "While I'm Waiting"

Bring Our Children Home

I think you should know about a lady named Cindy Foote. She is a songwriter and an adoptive mama. I wanted to share because I know some of you will really connect with her music. I'm sharing the video for one of her songs from her new EP. It is called "Bring Our Children Home". Can I get an amen? :)

PRAISE REPORT!!!

Man I love these!!!! A couple of days ago I shared a story with you about a boy named Davids who was in desperate need of a family. Well, I am happy to report HE HAS ONE!!! Praise the Lord, Who hears our prayers and answers them! I hope there will be more information coming soon. Lisa, (the mom who hosted him here in the states) posted the update here on her blog.

Thanks for all the prayers. The Lord is so faithful. I will continue to follow this story and hope one day soon we see Davids in a family photo. :) Can you get enough of watching God come to the rescue and answer prayers? I can't!!!

Taste and see that the Lord is good!!

God Rules and Overrules

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,"
declares the LORD. – Isaiah 55:8


This is difficult to write. Sometimes we set our fears down and decide we are going to follow wherever God leads. We listen, we pray, and we set out in the direction we think he has called us. And sometimes, we get it wrong.

When we first started the adoption process we were open to adopting any child. Our only stipulation was that we wanted to adopt a child that would not have a family otherwise. We narrowed down the options and prayed. You have heard the story- we decided God was calling us to adopt from Ethiopia. We were working with Lifeline (who has been AMAZING) but had to find another agency who had an Ethiopia program. We had concerns about that agency so we searched for another one and found one that seemed to be recommended by several people. It didn’t take long to see that in our experience there were some things that gave us caution about proceeding with them. To say this was frustrating is an understatement. I was frustrated. I was weepy and I hate being weepy. Our home study has been rolling right along and we are ready to move forward with the rest of the paperwork and make progress with our dossier. Brian and I decided to take a few days off and just pray about things and whether we should just keep looking for an agency we felt comfortable with. Finally, Brian came to me and said that maybe this wasn’t about agencies after all and God was really closing the door to Ethiopia. My heart sank. Could he be right?

When you choose a country you begin to research and learn everything about that place and those people. Suddenly there are a few characteristics you know your child will have and you begin to piece together this vague idea of what your child might look like and who they might be. You begin to daydream about this child. You long for this child. And suddenly you are faced with the question, “what if that isn’t God’s plan”? You find you have two choices. Either you can push for what you feel you want or you can stop and wait for God’s direction and be thankful that He knows things that you don’t.

We still believe we should move forward with the adoption. We have an amazing agency that we completely trust and they work all over the world to help orphans. So we thought it was worth taking some time to pray and make sure we aren’t running ahead of God by looking for another road when there is one right under our nose. We are praying. We are saving. I wish I could say I always know where God is leading and I always have clear directions. But I promised honesty and transparency folks. The truth is I get frustrated and I get confused. I get really impatient. I don't mind waiting on the process as much as I do knowing they are waiting on us to make a decision. The only thing I can say for sure is that where ever God is leading- it’s good. Road blocks are for our good. So I will thank Him when He opens doors for us, and I will thank Him when He closes the wrong ones. Is the door to Ethiopia closed? I don’t know. There are lots of really good agencies out there and we could find one. Maybe this is all just about His timing. But we aren’t searching for just any child. We are searching for the one He set apart to be a Kessler. My "mother's heart" feels like a piece of it is missing. Yet, He is Holy. So we are waiting with bated breath for Him to reveal what it is He has known all along.

“All eyes are on You, Lord. All eyes are on You.”

Pondering Ethiopia

A lot of people have asked exactly where we are in the process.

So far the things we have done:
•Provide initial application for review.
•Receive preliminary approval into the program.
•Begin the home study with an agency.

We have completed our first home study visit which was a tour of our house and an interview with both of us about our marriage. It took about three hours I think. We still have two more visits to do for our homestudy. Part of the home study is getting a lot of documents together (birth certificates, marriage licenses, driver's licenses, etc), 8 hours of online training and reading a book that is required.
Ok, then here is the good stuff:
•Make application for USCIS approval.
•Meet with agency for Dossier compilation (this is more paperwork!)
•Send Complete Dossier for authentication and translation.
•Attend a parent workshop.
•Start our immunizations. (not so excited about this!)
•Receive Referral for our child! (I'm told this is anywhere from 2-9 months)
•Go to court in Ethiopia and return home to wait for next appointment(2-6 months post referral)
•Pick up our Child! (Normally, 6-8 weeks post court approval)
•Ususal length of stay is 5-7 days in Ethiopia.

So that is the plan! We need to get our home study completed before we can start applying for grants. We can’t have our second home study visit until we get our fingerprint packets in for a background check. We are still waiting for those packets to come in the mail so we can complete them. Hurry and wait. You get the picture! Our total timeline I have been told could be anywhere from 9 months to 18 months from beginning to bringing our child home. We are expecting our child to be somewhere around the toddler size and we don’t know whether we are expecting a boy or a girl. Really the only thing we know for sure is that before the beginning of time God set this child apart to be a Kessler!


I have been reading a lot about Ethiopia and work that is being done there. It is amazing to me how this whole new world has opened up that I sort of knew existed but somehow ignored. I asked Brian if we could just think about the possibility of me staying in Ethiopia a tad bit longer (since we have to pay to fly there anyway) and seeing if I could work with one of these groups like World Vision that are already there. His response was “I have to take a midterm- don’t cloud my mind with craziness”! Hmmm … I will take that to mean “we can pray about it”. :)

I'm no Esther

If you have ever read the story of Esther you know that the Jews were going to be killed if Esther (the queen) didn't go to the king and try to stop it. She was afraid of being killed herself since she wasn't allowed to approach the king unless he called for her. But Mordecai, the uncle who had raised her said "If you keep quiet at a time like this, deliverance and relief for the Jews will arise from some other place, but you and your relatives will die. Who knows if perhaps you were made queen for just such a time as this?” (Esther 4:14). That last line has been playing on my mind a lot lately. Esther did end up going to the king and because of that the Jews were saved. I am not the kind of heroine Esther was. In fact, I would describe myself as pretty average. But I do realize that by Ethiopian standards I live in a palace. I have luxuries I take for granted. In fact, compared to most of the world I live like a queen. It leaves me to wonder why I have so much when others have so little. Do I deserve more? Well, you may not know me but let me assure you the answer to that is no. I can’t give a good reason for why I was born in the U.S. and not some remote village in Africa or some country where the people are so oppressed they can’t even worship God without fear of being beaten or even killed. I have been thinking lately, as we pursue the adoption of an orphan whose name I don’t know and whose face I have never seen, maybe God has placed me here in these circumstances for “such a time as this”.