Day 3 - A New Level

Mama is tired. TIRED.


I have reached the level just after exhausted. I underestimated how draining it would be to have another "little" one around who needs so much of me. I'm not saying I have regrets- not saying its not rewarding... its just a new level of tired. Maybe it will get easier as we find some sort of rhythm. Somehow when I prayed that I wanted to be poured out for another I overlooked the "poured out" part. I'll be honest, there was a moment today that I sat in the quiet of the garage and just sat realizing how much I miss "normal". But it was just a piece of my day, and the rest of the day made it worth it. There is too much to write so I will stick to the highlights.


Our communication is getting better as we picked up more Ukrainian and she picks up more English. Or maybe she is just becoming confident enough to say words that were already familiar from her classes- I don't know. Unfortunately now my kids are talking to me with charades and I am answering them in broken Ukrainian and broken English. The low point of the day would have to be when the boys had a fight that actually went Aiden: "Net!" (no) Gavin: "DAH!" (yes) Aiden: "NET!" Gavin: "DAH!!!!" Net! Dah! Net! Dah!   I mean... REALLY?! Come on. Of course, I am writing the transliteration because they have a different alphabet, but you get the picture. If you ask me a question right now I might say "Dah" or I might say "yes". At this point I might say "si!" (not even either language, and not even a language I speak). . 


We found out a lot more about Vika's story. It isn't pretty, and it isn't going to get shared here. Sorry. It isn't my story and I am having trouble processing it myself, but I am feeling very protective of her. And her story is hers.  I’ll only share this- that her Papa died when she was two. I share this because if you know me then you know I have this thing about Papas being super important in a girl’s life. And because it puts the rest of this post in much better perspective… and the whole point of writing this is so you can see it with me through my eyes


I also learned what foods she likes. And I learned that she REALLY likes Justin Beiber - (you can go ahead and mark that as another low point, haha)! Just kidding. She actually LIKES to try new foods. And speaking of foods... Nana (Babuska!) came over today to meet Vika and bring the kids some cupcakes. Cause that's just what our Nana does.

Our Nana happens to make especially good cupcakes. Vika liked them, and even after she had been off playing came back to ask me how to say "the cupcakes were very, very good" to my mom. 

Gavin thought they were good too. 

He said "I'm just staring at them." But I was sure if I turned my back he would have another. We are suppose to flee from temptation, Gavin. Flee. 

So what happened after Nana left tickled me so much that I was sure it was going to be the highlight of the day. I was asking Vika what she wanted to do while she was here. Other than her dream to learn to ride a bicycle, what other dreams did she have? What experiences did she want to have while in America? She thought a minute and then motioned “swim”. Yes, a friend had already offered to have us over Saturday to swim, although I doubt she has ever seen a pool like the ones we have here. I pressed on… “what else, Vika?” almost wondering if I was pushing it and she would start to ask for things we can’t make happen. Suddenly her face lit up and she had clearly thought of something. She started reaching for the computer and frantically trying to type something into the translator (which takes FOR-EV-ER when you are using an American keyboard for another alphabet)! The translators only work halfway so its usually like playing wheel of fortune… you guess to fill in the blanks for words that don’t translate correctly (or at all). Something about Papa. Mama, please. Papa intelligence something…. Blah blah blah. Hmm, that can’t be right. I asked if she wanted to see Papa’s work? No. She must want to know something. Finally I guessed correctly. You want Papa to teach you to cook? YES! This is hilarious for a couple of reasons. Mostly because Brian made fried rice yesterday. If you know Brian, you know he only cooks fried rice or grills. (Well, there are rumors he cooks well when I am gone but plays dumb to avoid working an oven… but I digress). She typed into the computer with all of the excitement of a kid on Christmas morning. She wanted Papa to teach her to make the hamburger. Please, Mama. Please. So I explained Mama is actually the cook in the family and we had to cook the chicken before it went bad. But, tomorrow Papa would make the burgers and teach her how. Christmas morning, folks. The girl loves her some hamburgers. Tonight, I let her help and she was so excited to help. Actually eating the vegetables was just ok…. let’s just say it wasn’t a hamburger.  

So I laughed so hard about all that I was sure it was the highlight. But the next highlight was on a new level. They say a picture is worth a thousand words, so I will let it speak for itself. When I first looked through the lens I had to put it down a second and pull myself together because I got so choked up.

No words. 

So proud of Isabella, too for cheerfully sharing her bike. And her Papa. :) 

This guy is always there to provide some comic relief.

 They played outside until after dark. Some neighbor kids came over to see Kayla and Vika played basketball with them until I insisted they all come in and shower. I need to reinforce bedtime. Our day felt so packed even when I intentionally made it a day at home. Packed, and poured out. I guess you've gotta call that a good day.

"With God all things are possible."

Misconceptions and Revelations - Day 2

I guess before I continue any further I can address some misconceptions that have come up. The first being that some people seem to think we are brave.... or worse, "awesome". I shudder a little bit at that because I know me. I am only in this because there is that part of me that believes that if God has shown me this much grace and love He will use me to show the same to others. A more accurate description would be, as they say, a beggar just telling other beggars where to find bread. I appreciate all of your kind words, emails, texts, etc though and I do know what you are trying to say. It stirs my heart to see God working in others and I am glad to hear that sharing what He is doing here has stirred some of yours. 

I know the question is on the tip of your tongues so I might as well address it. Everyone wants to know if we are going to end up adopting Vika. I'm going to be just as honest as I know how- we didn't enter this with that intention. There would be a million and one barriers to making that happen. We are taking deep breaths and taking this day by day.... 110% confident that God is actively at work and has a SPECIFIC plan for this sweet girl. His ways are not our ways and His ways are ALWAYS better... so we are taking one day at a time and clinging to Him as our guide as we try to figure out our part here. 


So one day at a time is how we entered day 2. The language barrier is hard but she is beginning to attempt to say a few words and we are learning a few of hers. We fumble our way through communicating and she is getting more comfortable here. We took her to church this morning and she was clinging to us like glue, yet seemed happy. Brian made fried rice for lunch and she loved it. She was amazed that not only can Mama drive but Papa can cook! Amazing! :) 


Some things are universal. 


Like painting nails. 


And braiding hair.... 

... And ice cream! 

We went to an ice cream social at church and she had a blast. She made herself a huge bowl of ice cream and clearly began to feel more comfortable there. I'm so, so thankful for my church and how they have been so eager to just love on her. 

Aiden (6) must have said her name 543895830425 times today. Brian and I joked we would be so tired of him if we were her, but she seems to adore him. When he isn't speaking Spanish words to her he is talking like normal but moving his hands around as if that counts as charades. "Vika, Vika, Vika, Vika.... VIKA!" Oh my. But she picks him up and hugs him tight, smiles at him and says "I love you"!

I think she was surprised to find that Brian is very silly and actually plays with the kids. When she got here she didn't know exactly what to think of him, but after his antics she has warmed up and will even go up to him for a hug. I want you to know I have permission to post the following video. Thanks, Brian, for being a good sport. AND an awesome dancer! 

Yes, folks... that is how Brian won her over. By the way, she tried the Just Dance game, too. This girl isn't afraid to try new things. I keep wondering about her story and it is like each day I get a new piece of the puzzle, but only one at a time. 

Today that piece was a good one. I asked her how to say Jesus and then I told her Jesus loves her. She smiled and said "yes." I asked if she knew that and her eyes lit up and she said "yes!" I asked HOW she knew that and she smiled warmly and replied "babuska". 

Grandma. 

Our conversation was interrupted as the girls yelled that someone was shooting fireworks. All the kids ran outside and I followed behind wanting to see her reaction to these things I had tried to explain to her. A distant neighbor shot one up and she said "WHOA" and then clapped and squealed with excitement. 

When the excitement died down I wanted to ask her more but I decided it had been a long day and I was exhausted so I told them it was bedtime. She seems thrilled that I tuck her in at night. I wonder if she has ever been tucked in or if it has just been a really, really long time. I guess I will see the big picture eventually, but for now God seems content to reveal one little piece at a time. For now His instructions are clear and simple "cling to Me the way she clings to you. Follow Me as closely as she follows you." 

So we follow. 

Day 1

This Mama is too tired to blog a long or coherent blog, but there were a few things I wanted to record because I want to remember them. 


First was the airport arrival. She spotted us immediately and began to wave, patiently waiting her turn to be introduced. I had worried how she would feel about being hosted in a home with small children because she probably wasn't use to them. When she came around she gave us big hugs one by one. We all tried our best to say "hi" in her language... which is privit (pree-veet). She smiled and said it to us. I bent down and was trying to help Gavin to say it. He looked troubled and stuttered "pree..... preee.... ". Vika bent down until she was right at eye level, looked him right in the eye, smiled big and said "hallo." Maybe you had to be there. We all laughed so hard. You could say she had us at Privit. 


We came home, fed her pizza (ok, ok so this probably wasn't on the suggested food list. But she ate some cheese pizza with no sauce and she liked it!) I used charades to show her how to shower and luckily I had written in her language what each bottle was. She later thanked me for taking the time to do that. She is grateful for everything. She was overwhelmed when given a choice between two shirts. OVERWHELMED. She was happy just to be given a new one. She asked if she could wash her other clothes in the sink, and though she seemed uneasy, she trusted me enough to let me take them from her when I promised to clean them and give them back. 


The girls and I took her for a quick trip to Target to get a few necessities. She was a bit overwhelmed BUT, like any teenage girl she did know what she liked and did say "no" and shake her head when I showed her a few things. We all laughed a lot on that trip, too. She speaks zero English. She calls me Mama, and was VERY impressed that Mama could drive a car. 


Many times today I felt the gravity of this all. I had to walk away a few times as her reality began to sink in. She is here- with a tiny plastic bag that contains everything she owns. She is so hungry for love. We asked what she would most like to do this summer -- for one wish-- and she said "I would like to learn to ride a bike." 


I'm pretty speechless tonight and I haven't processed much so I am going to end this here, for now. I don't know what tomorrow holds, much less the next two months. All I can think of is something David Platt said that rings in my ears tonight.... 


“We learned that orphans are easier to ignore before you know their names. They are easier to ignore before you see their faces. It is easier to pretend they’re not real before you hold them in your arms. But once you do, everything changes.” – David Platt.


I don't know what God is doing, but something's changing. 

An Alibis of Sorts - Part 2

The last couple of weeks we made a decision that I would not have made if God had not taught me a lesson recently. Isn’t that just the way He works? Preparing us when we aren’t even aware of it? He is so good. The thing He taught me (via a Beth Moore teaching) was that in that oh so familiar verse - 1 Corinthians 13:8 – when it says “love never fails” the Greek word translated to “fail” there actually means “to fall to the ground- to take no effect”. So when it says love never fails it doesn’t mean love never fails to yield the results we hoped for. And we know that, don’t we? How many of you have invested in someone who hurt you? Or loved a child who rebelled anyway? Or loved a husband that left or a friend who didn’t appreciate you? No, love doesn’t always yield the results we want. That isn’t what He said. He said it never falls to the ground, having no effect at all. That’s a big difference, isn’t it? The effect is something only God can predict. Maybe there are times He is the only one who can even see the effect. But it has an effect. He has a plan for us and He made it clear that it including loving Him and loving others. Actually, that pretty much sums up the WHOLE plan.

So that brings me to the sudden change in OUR plans. We had the opportunity to host a child from the Ukraine in our home for two months this summer. She lives in an orphanage and she will only be allowed to stay there until she is 15 or 16 (or in the 9^th grade). After that she is on her own. And this week, she turns 13. I remember when my oldest daughter turned 13. Becoming a teenager was a bit of a milestone; a positive one. I have to imagine for someone in this girl’s shoes it evokes a fear and insecurity like I have not experienced before. Remember, this is a poor country. There are no college grants, no hope of education, and she probably has no life skills to survive after the orphanage. But I will share more about that later.

Obviously, we decided we needed to do this. The deadline to get paperwork in was only a few days away. There would not have been time- except we had already done home study visits and background checks and had references done. It had already been completed in advance- imagine that. We got lots of questions- most of which we can’t answer. People have asked what good two months will do. All I can say is that its two months to love her. And love ALWAYS has an effect. Isn’t that what He said?

I can’t say I didn’t have moments of panic where I wondered what we were doing. This is a complete stranger. We don’t even speak the same language. And I am embarrassed to admit all the things that concerned me. We had just decided to finish our Ethiopian adoption paperwork. What about those plans? This takes away time and money from our other plans. But God gently asked, “what do you want? Your plans or Mine?”

Brian with our kiddos- Most of which were not originally in "my plan". GREATEST GIFTS EVER.

My mind immediately flashed back to one of the hardest nights during this whole process. We were struggling with the fact that the domestic adoption was not going to happen and I was wondering where God was in all of it. I remembered sitting on the couch with Brian crying as my eyes scanned over all the books on our bookshelves. “Look at all those books…” I had said. We have lots of great books. Francis Chan, David Platt, Randy Alcorn, C.S. Lewis, Wiersbe, etc. “I don’t want to read one more. I can’t stand reading ONE MORE book about people who experienced God in such big ways. I want it for my own.” Don’t misread that. God has done huge things in our lives that ONLY God could have done. I have seen Him do the impossible. He is not the problem here. But I am not consumed with Him day in and day out the way I wish I were. I spend whole days thinking about other things. And I know that is not what Jesus meant by “abundant life”. So I thought about my typical selfish concerns- my plans. My house, my schedule, my my my. NO. It’s HIS house. HIS kids. HIS life. HIS time.

“You, Lord. I’d rather have YOU.”

         

         Great books about walking with God. Bad substitutes for actually walking with God. 

So, to answer those questions, I don’t know where we are headed.  But I believe with my whole heart that God longs to pour His Spirit out on all of us just like in the New Testament stories we read. If we would just surrender the pen and let God write our story, then we would get more than just Joy and Peace and adventure. We would have HIM. For our OWN. We could walk with Him every step of the way and we would know Him more than we know Him now. It doesn’t matter how much you do or don’t know. There is always more to experience. And it is always GOOD. 

He has no dark side. 

He has no flaws.

 He has no shortcomings.

There is no end to His love or His blessings or His comfort. 

There is no limit to Him.

So yeah, I’ll choose Him. Won’t you?

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
    neither are your ways my ways,” 
declares the Lord.
 “As the heavens are higher than the earth, 
    so are my ways higher than your ways
    and my thoughts than your thoughts.”   Isaiah 55:8-9

An Alibis of Sorts - Part 1

So I have a little confession. My neglect of this blog has been fairly intentional. I can honestly say I have been very busy the past few months. There was homeschooling, learning, living, and loving to do. 

School field trip

But I can’t blame the neglect of this blog solely on that. I wasn’t really sure what to write most of the time. When I started this blog I started it to share a journey I thought would be all about adoption. I said I knew it would be a rocky process but I underestimated how true that would be. I kept lots of thoughts for a journal as it got personal and I felt more vulnerable. Then I didn’t know how to fit all that has happened into a blog post. I was going to quietly take the blog down but I have gotten so many questions about it lately. Seriously, I am amazed you people even read it! But since you have cared enough to look for updates or email and ask, I figured I owed you one. 


When we felt called to adopt two years ago, we thought we had a plan and had everything figured out. I have since been cured of such pride. 

The kids have grown a bit, eh?  :) 

We initially took a break from our adoption paperwork because of a job change. Then we started it again once Brian was settled in his new job. Then we were asked if we would be willing to adopt some children who needed a home ASAP. (This happens more often than you think here in the U.S.) We said “yes”, but over the course of a few weeks the birthmother seemed to change her mind about placing. Disappointed, discouraged, and confused we wondered “ok, God. What was that about?” and then decided to take some time to pray and clarify exactly what God had called us to do. It was a hard time, and I wasn't sure I wanted to wrestle that out in a public setting like a blog. But it’s worth telling because sometimes the times we have to really wrestle with God and wait for Him to answer us are the very times that refine us and shape our character. If God has an "assignment" of sorts planned for us, then He is going to need to shape our character to match said assignment. It was a hard lesson, but it is such a treasure now to know that when I am waiting on God He hasn't given up on me or moved on to someone He thinks will be easier to use- He is at work, shaping me and preparing me. And He is at work in you, too. He is always weaving both mistakes and successes into a story that we don’t have the courage to dream. 


So, for weeks we questioned what God had said to us and tried to clarify a direction. Domestic adoption? Foster care adoption? International? Ethiopia? Now? Wait? We put everything back on the table with open hands and felt unsure which direction to proceed. I had joked so many times that God needed to fax me something because I was slow and needed directions in black and white, but no such luck. One night I had bought a used book by Andy Stanley called “The Best Question Ever”. It elaborated on the idea that we shouldn't just approach life’s questions with “is it a sin” or “can I?”, but rather “what is the wise thing to do”. As I was reading, I kid you not, a slip of paper with a simple verse reference written on it fell out of the book. I walked into the bedroom in search of my Bible to look it up, telling Brian what had happened. We laughed and giggled as I joked “maybe this is our note” and we started to think of ridiculous things it could say (think Tim Hawkins' and “lo I have a painful disease in my loins”). We are very serious people, you know. 
As I scanned over the pages, still giggling, and I found the verse. Isaiah 1:17. Somewhat familiar with that chapter I immediately stopped laughing and as I tried to read the verse aloud for Brian my tears began to cloud my vision. 

 We went to bed silent that night, which never happens. If you read the whole chapter it is a little disturbing. It confronts the idea that we can go to church and worship and bring offerings and God won’t be pleased with just that. He wants more. He wants actual obedience. I suddenly felt like the idea that we would complete this adoption and then “move on with life” was being confronted head on. He wanted us to love and care for orphans the way He would. We began to come to the conclusion that the call was to love orphans, any orphan, He brought us as He brought them- as in, from now on. And to be willing to say yes to Him no matter how different His plans were from ours. Even if it meant our adoption didn't look like I thought it would. Even if it meant facing my worst fear- loving and investing myself in children that would NEVER be mine and letting them take pieces of my heart back with them as they returned to where ever they had come from. Whatever. He wanted us to say "Yes, Lord. Whatever." To follow before He told us where we were going. 

So thankful to be traveling this road with my best friend

I won’t say we got to a place of even deeper surrender overnight. As we eventually decided one more time to finish the paperwork for our adoption, we were “interrupted” by an opportunity that had not really been on our radar. We felt an indescribable momentum behind our “yes” this time, despite fear and trembling (mostly mine). You could say God was changing our trajectory...


"Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails."   - Proverbs 19:20-22

To Be Continued ...

Are you searching for peace?

I’ve only walked with Christ for the last (almost) decade. I spent most of those years searching hard for God’s will and being very confused about how exactly you find it. I have heard (and parroted) the phrase “I prayed and just had a peace about it”. Eventually I came to believe that you should search for God’s will and plan and then wait until you had a peace about it and that is how you would know it was God’s will. I know now that is all wrong.

The truth is, most of what I would point to as an example of things God used to help me grow more like Christ were things that I didn’t feel a peace about. I have never shared the Gospel with someone that I didn’t feel nervous, shaky, and a little nauseous and I have been doing it on a regular basis for nine years. Still no “peaceful feelings”. But is it Biblical? You bet. Am I supposed to do it? Of course! I shudder to think of what the results would have been if I had waited until I felt a peace about it. The decision to forgive has never come out of a peace. It has been hard. It has been accompanied by worry, and a battle against my own pride. On my journey there has been suffering involved at times and let’s be honest: I’m not the courageous type who willingly signs up for that. No, it wasn’t a feeling of peace that paved the way to being more like Christ. And it wasn’t because I saw the big picture or the end result. I NEVER knew what the end result would be. It was obedience to the clear, practical Will of God as He described in the Bible.

I’ve been guilty of saying (numerous times) that I wish God would just show me His will for something in black and white. I am beginning to understand that it’s always found in black and white, and often in red.

The problem is not in how He answers.

The problem is we ask the wrong question.

When we say we are looking for God’s will what do we mean? Are we looking for instructions on how to get through this day in a way that pleases God OR are we asking God to reveal the future to us? One is biblical, and one is turning Almighty God into your personal fortune teller. And I don’t think God is in the business of giving us our horoscope. I confess I have wasted too much time wanting God to reveal to me what He is going to do so that I could try my best to avoid mistakes or avoid anything that might bring unnecessary pain or discomfort. But remember what I said before? Sometimes the things that made me more like Christ WERE uncomfortable. And some of them I would never have chosen on the front end. But I’m so glad He knew better.

So as for me, I am going back to the basics. Today I am going to figure out how Romans 12:2 applies to what I am going to watch or listen to today. And I am going to figure out what God’s Word says about balancing grace and discipline as I try to instill character in these sweet kids. I will make time to read what He actually has to say and I will be thankful for what I have today. We will pick up where we left off on a mountain of paperwork, but I won't ask God how many kids will be in my home next year or what kind of time frame He has in mind. And by all means possible, I will force myself to be kind to that person that is like sandpaper in my life! And as I do that, if I believe that God is sovereign, then I don’t have to worry about messing up God’s long term plans. I am practicing deliberate simplicity and obedience and leaving the big picture to a big God. In THAT I find security, and in that, would you believe .... I find peace.

Monday's Motivation

Today I want to share a video that should be more than just motivation. No matter who you are or where you came from- this applies to you. Watch it. Share it. Live it.