The Story of Isaac

Where do you start with a story like this? I want to say it started two and half weeks ago, but we know that God had this in mind for much, much longer. He just chose to reveal it one Saturday. Two and a half weeks ago, to be exact.

Some friends of ours adopted a little girl several years ago. About a year ago they found out that she had a half brother and he was in foster care. They felt led to do something for this little guy they didn’t even know. That’s their story… so I will skip to where their story became intertwined with ours. They were able to get him out of foster care and have custody. Basically, they were providing a sort of private foster care. They loved him, tried to communicate with the birthmother about his future, and prayed hard for him and what God had in mind for his future. It wasn’t always easy because it just never is when you are advocating for and loving a child. They felt unsure about where he was suppose to be, but God made it clear over a period of months that he wasn’t theirs and wasn’t meant to have their last name. You can imagine the confusion this caused for a long time, as they didn’t see an obvious door opening for him.

Meanwhile, we were praying. We knew God had a child for us. We worked tirelessly- and I do mean tirelessly- on homestudy documents and dossier documents. They told us a dossier can take anywhere from 2-4 months depending on the person. I thought “oh, this WILL be done in two”. (It took over four.)

Interviews, medicals, and notaries.

Home visits, insurance letters, reference letters, and immigration approval.

Employment letters and bank letters.

Weeping and gnashing of teeth. (Okay, that might be a little dramatic. It wasn’t quite that bad.) (Yes it was).

Then we got a large grant and a large donation. We were overwhelmed and excited. God was in this, yall. But we never could have imagined what He was about to reveal….

It was 2 ½ weeks ago that I found myself sitting across from my friend as things came into focus for both of us. Despite lunch dates and talks and sharing our hearts there were some very important things that had been left unsaid. Like the day she got up the nerve to call and ask me if we would be interested in adopting this child, only to receive an email from me asking for a reference letter for our Ethiopian adoption. She talked of how her heart fell in that moment and she decided not to ask. I shook my head in disbelief. “We thought you were called to Ethiopia” she explained.

I told her how I had just recently realized that they were considering other options for him- as uneasy as they felt about them. They prayed and wrestled.  How could I have not realized? “Why wouldn't you consider us”? And tears fell as she shared “yall were always our first choice”. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. “We thought we made it clear we were an option. We just never got the impression you were considering it” I explained. And there at that table God revealed what He had been planning all along. We cried and laughed together over ice cream at as good friends sometimes do. I don’t know how we managed to miss so much until that night, except that God’s timing is never our timing. And his timing was 2 ½ weeks ago.

Then, I blinked.

That night there was a family emergency and she needed to go out of town the next day to be with them. So she asked me to keep him for a few days. But after a few days, it was clear that he was right where he needed to be. So since that day he has been here. The dust hasn't even settled and it still feels like a dream. Yet somehow, it oddly feels like he has just always been here. We have seen God’s grace just rain down on this child as he transitioned better than any of us had hoped. We have felt God’s grace as we went through the motions of paperwork with such a peace that it can’t be described. This was God’s will, and we knew it. We all do. 

A year from now I could have written this story with more eloquence I am sure. I still can’t wrap my mind around it yet. I am tired, and I am blessed beyond measure. If you think that Jesus is a religion or a set of rules- hear me: there is no adventure and no love more thrilling and enduring. God writes the best stories. If you are living out a sad part, don't give up. It just means your story isn't over yet. 

And this is a high point for sure. But this story isn't over yet either...... 

"For this boy I prayed, and the Lord has given me my petition which I asked of Him. So I have also dedicated him to the Lord; as long as he lives he is dedicated to the Lord"
 - 1 Samuel 1:27-28

Wait

When they told me that a dossier could take anywhere between two months (for the experienced) to four months to complete, I immediately thought, "Oh, it WILL be two months"! Four months later, I can officially say it is finished. It has been mailed and I am grateful to have it out of my hands. Unless they call and say something is wrong and needs to be redone. In which case, I will promptly fall onto the floor and throw a tantrum of epic proportions, one that makes your two year old look mellow. We won't go there, though. We are going to be optimistic! 

It. Is. Finished!

What now?

Now it is headed to Kentucky where it will be checked for errors. Then on to Utah where it will be authenticated. Then to the embassy, and then to Ethiopia. When it arrives in Ethiopia we call it DTE (Dossier to Ethiopia) and this is a day celebrated in the adoption world. This means we have jumped the hurdles and have reached a milestone. It is out of our hands now. There is nothing to do but wait. 

Wait. 

All these months of rushing, working, signing, filing, running errands, begging people to "hurry", and learning to loathe the word "notary" (ugh, I still twitch when I say it)! All this to get to ... WAIT. 

I was on a website today and saw this: 

"Definition of WAIT:

1. 1.To stay in a place or remain inactive or in anticipation until something expected takes place.
2. 2.To be ready or at hand.

   3.To remain temporarily undone or neglected."

  Now, to be fair, they were using this definition in the context of waiting children. Yet, being the "word nerd" that I am, I thought about this definition for a minute and decided to try this against a biblical definition of the word wait (which I had to look up). I thought of verses like Psalm 27:14 which says "Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord". 

  Are we to be undone? Are we neglected? Of course not. So I pulled out my trusty concordance and looked up the meaning of the word "wait" in the original language. When this word is used in the Bible it actually translates to something more like wait expectantly or "expect". 

  EXPECT. 

  It's quite a different picture isn't it? "Wait" implies back of the line. "Wait" implies someone or something else has priority over you and your concerns. 

  "Expect" on the other hand, implies that your needs are already known. Already being addressed. It implies, "have a seat, someone is taking care of that for you." 

  So now we wait. But waiting isn't so bad. Not when the God that holds the universe in His hands is the one already taking care of things for you. Everyone is waiting for something. I bet you can all think of something you are waiting on right now. 

  Waiting on the birth of a child. 

  Waiting on a spouse. 

  Waiting on a job. 

  Waiting on the wayward child to come back to truth. 

  Waiting on God to heal that thing that is eating you inside. 

  Waiting to see some evidence that God is listening to your prayers. 

  Take heart, friends. We may be waiting, but we are not at the back of the line. Pray, and wait on the Lord- expecting that He hears, He knows, and whatever the answer is- it will be for our good and His glory. 

  

"We wait in hope for the Lord; He is our help and our shield." - Psalm 33:20 

Our Adoption - FAQ

We get tons of questions and many are the same ones over and over. Don't get me wrong- we love your questions! We are so grateful that people are interested in our adoption process or adoption in general. We just thought it would be helpful to answer some of those questions here. 

"Where are you adopting from"?

Ethiopia!

"Why did you choose Ethiopia/ not choose foster adoption"?

After  a LOT of research we just felt like God was putting Ethiopia on our hearts. At the time, the agency we were working with for our homestudy didn’t even do Ethiopian adoptions. We had several delays, including a job change. The day after Brian got his new job we were told that our agency had begun to do Ethiopia adoptions again. There were a lot of things that made it a good fit for our family- including the fact that we only have to spend 5-7 days at a time in country. That is a big deal when you have four other kids you are leaving behind to travel. Basically, over the last 3 years God has more than confirmed this is where He is leading us. 

"Why not adopt from U.S. foster care"?

When we first started to think about adoption we were open to adopting from anywhere. We did make several calls to inquire about foster care adoption. We also spoke with an agency and gathered information about domestic (private) adoption as well as international adoption. We honestly felt discouraged by the foster care system and there are clearly some things that are broken. In the future, we would be very happy if God called us to somehow advocate for reform or even adopt from foster care. For now, that isn’t where he called us. We feel strongly that one type adoption is not necessarily better than another. It all matters, because each of these children matter to God!

"Are you adopting a boy or a girl? Will it be a baby or an older child"?

We had the ability to choose but we didn’t. We will be matched with a child age 0-3 of either gender. You have the ability to choose the age and gender that best fits your family. We felt like the best fit for our family would be a child that is younger than Gavin (who is now 4).

"Africa has an HIV epidemic. Are you worried about HIV"?

No. All of the kids are tested for HIV. There are two separate waiting lists- one for HIV positive children and one for “healthy” children, or with other special needs. We chose not to do an HIV positive adoption. However, we have learned a lot about HIV and encourage others to be educated as well. We now know that it can NOT be spread to others through casual contact, sharing drinks, etc. and HIV positive children do not pose any risk to others in their home. 

"How much does it cost"?

When all is said and done, we will have spent about $30,000. I think this is the part most people struggle to comprehend. I think it depends on your perspective. In 2006 I was pregnant with our third child. I walked onto a car lot and purchased a brand new minivan (something I would probably not do again)! No one gave a second thought when I paid close to $30,000 for a vehicle. Yet, somehow we bristle at the idea of spending that to adopt a child. If a vehicle is worth $30,000, how much more is a life worth? Furthermore, Jesus said that where ever our treasure is, our heart will be also. If our heart is with the orphans of Ethiopia I reckon it’s safer there than it would be in any material thing. God’s economy is different, folks.

"Why does it cost so much? Who gets all that money"?

Understanding where the money goes helps. Part of it is paid to our agency for their services. They provide us with a homestudy which includes visits to our house and lots of paperwork. They walk us through the process step by step and make it possible to wade through all the red tape. They authenticate documents, run a transition home in Ethiopia, and do too much other stuff to list here. Lifeline is a non-profit and also runs a program called “unadopted” which helps children that will never be adopted.

Another large chunk of the money goes to a “referral fee” that is paid to Ethiopia. It is humanitarian aid. There are lots of “little cost” that add up as well. We needed two passports, certified copies of birth certificates and marriage licenses, a $890 fee to apply for immigration; there are visas, etc. etc.

The travel accounts for several thousand. Two trips are required, which means we (both) have to fly to Ethiopia twice. Then there is lodging and food while we are there. So as you can see, we aren’t paying $30,000 to an agency or to Ethiopia. It all just adds up. And we are fine with that. We consider it “ransom”. And frankly, I think God is all about high cost adoption- he didn’t spare a thing when He adopted us into His family. Why should we?

"Wow. You must be rollin in the dough to afford that"!

Negative. The costs are broken up into payments. So far we have paid about $8000 of that. We are about to make another payment of $3000, which God has already provided. We have applied for a grant with a Christian ministry that helps families adopt and are praying for some assistance there. We are also saving, stretching, and praying and God has provided every need, although often at the last minute! We believe that if God calls you He will fund it every time. There are plenty of families out there who can attest to this!

"Where are you in the process"?

• We have completed our homestudy. (Homestudy= social worker visits and mountains of paperwork, 18 hours of video education, 2 books to read, various other things).
• We have applied to USCIS (immigration) and will be getting our fingerprints done this week as part of that process.
• We are compiling our dossier (dossier = homestudy +immigration approval + 20 other documents). Once we get immigration approval back our dossier will be sent to our agency, authenticated in D.C. and sent to Ethiopia!!
• Once our dossier is in Ethiopia, we will be assigned a number on the wait list. The wait list exists not because there aren't enough children needing homes (there are over 5 million!) but because they can only process so many cases per day. There are a lot of families adopting, and for that we are grateful.

   

    "But…. You’re white."

(Gasp). What?! Ugh, we hadn't thought of that!

People, clearly we thought of this. If we hadn't  the interracial adoption exercises we had to complete for our homestudy would have brought it to light. If we didn't  the 9 hours of training we had to go through with the international adoption clinic in Birmingham (including sessions on racial identity) would have. We get it. And here is the thing: black parents might be better equipped to raise a black child. That may very well be true. However, there is not an abundance of adoptive parents and a shortage of children. This isn’t a question of black parents vs. white parents. It is a question of white parents vs. NO parents. There is a desperate, desperate need for children to be adopted. It is estimated that 1 in 8 children die before their 5^th birthday in Ethiopia. So, no, your concerns about my race don’t move me.

1  "Aren’t you worried about the child will deal with racism, persecution, or identity issues- especially since you live in the south"?

This is a legitimate question and I think it deserves a thoughtful response. Racism is very real and we are not blind to that. But the question always makes me smile a little because you have to understand- I am raising all of my kids to be persecuted. Is that not what the Bible says? That if we stand firm in our faith for Christ we will be laughed at, mocked, or even persecuted? Well, I still teach my children to stand firm in their faith anyway. I teach them that their identity is in Christ. They are valuable because GOD says they are valuable and no person, no status, no mistake, and nothing else can ever take that away from them. I am not minimizing the struggle many adopted kids feel or what we may need to handle as we raise a child of a different race. In the end though, the fact that something isn't easy doesn't mean it isn't right. I think everyone struggles in some way with identity if it isn't rooted in Christ. And two parents who love and adore him/her will give our child an advantage that so many children are missing today- black, white, or otherwise. Ultimately, racism is a sin and although we realize we can’t escape the fact that it exists, we won’t let it rule our lives or decisions either.

We sincerely appreciate everyone’s support and interest in our adoption process. We would love it if you would pray with us for the rest of the journey, and especially for our child! 

The Waiting Room

Its been a while since I have written. Its been a while since I have posted what I have written. Its been over six months since I was faithful to blog and I am not really sure how to explain all that has happened. I scan through the things I have written as if one might fill in the holes to the story. Each time I read and reminisce and think “too raw”, “too vulnerable” or just realize its too long of a story and remember why I haven't blogged.

Its been three years since we first heard God’s call to adopt. We immediately said “yes” and began to pursue an adoption. We quickly learned that there is a season for everything, and the season you are called is not always the same season in which is comes to pass. Or should we say “ever” the season it comes to pass? We hit more than our fair share of hurdles. Maybe we just ran ahead of God and didn't count the cost. Maybe He intended to teach us a few things along the way to prepare us and grow us until we were ready. Maybe both.

So often adoption feels like a visit to the doctors office. You sit forever in the waiting room. Then eventually, when you think you just can’t take it anymore, you see some movement. Someone calls your name and leads you through a door and you are making progress. Then, they sit you in a smaller room: and everyone knows the smaller room takes longer than the big room! Adoption is often like that – with 3424 times more paperwork.

Several times we started a homestudy and each time something prevented us from finishing it. Each time it was hard on us. So when our agency called a few months ago and asked us how we were and if we were ready to pick up the adoption process again, I honestly told the coordinator that I didn't know. We still felt the call, and we still had the desire, but we weren't quite as naive as we were three years ago. We knew the sacrifice it would take. The risk, the emotional investment, and the ups and downs we would no doubt experience. Our agency was fantastic- patient and prayerful.

Yet as the days went on, we knew that we were so sure of God’s call that at this point we didn't need Him to confirm it anymore than He already had. So we began… hesitantly at first… to renew all of those homestudy documents. And you know what? There were no hurdles this time. Everything went smoothly. Each time I would think something would be difficult it wasn't.  Every appoint led to helpful people. Every time money was due God provided. Often Always at the last minute, but He did. I felt Him encouraging me to trust. 

To relax. 

To believe.

I heard a faint whisper of a verse in my ear… “blessed is she who has believed that there would be a fulfillment of what was spoken to her from the Lord ”. I never shared it because I was afraid something might come up and it might not work out. And honestly, I felt like it was a little presumptuous. I struggled to believe that this time would be different. And in its context, that had to do with Mary and the plan God had for her and His Son. Yet, somehow I believed God had a plan for us, too. 

I have seen God work with faith that I assure you has often been as small as a mustard seed. Our homestudy is now finished- written for an Ethiopian adoption. As soon as we got that back we sent it, along with an application, to U.S. immigration to get approval to bring a child into the U.S. We have an appointment to be fingerprinted by the FBI in a little over a week.  

Oh my. Now THAT makes everything feel real. :)

After our fingerprints we wait (hopefully only a couple of weeks) for approval. Then we will send it along with about 20 other documents (called a dossier) to our agency and then on to Ethiopia!! We will then be given a number on the waiting list, not because there are not enough children who need homes (there are an estimated 5 million), but because they can only process so many cases per day and there is a backlog. So we are making progress, yet we still have waiting ahead.

And yet.....

I’m so grateful. I am so grateful God chose to take us this route. We had to learn to listen to His voice- and only His voice. We had to learn to step out into the scary unknown based on only that small whisper. We have counted the cost and we know more about the sacrifice and somehow I think that must make our “yes” all the sweeter to His ears. I asked Brian one last time, “what if it doesn’t work out again”? He quickly replied, “if we have learned anything it is that we will be just fine- either way”. And we will. 

But blessed is she who believed. 

And I do. 

I am so glad He chose to take us down the winding path, through the ups and the downs.... through the waiting room. I am glad because He was there with us the whole time. And the journey has always been about Him anyway. 

We are so excited to see what He has in store!! 

"And I will move ahead bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
While I'm waiting I will serve You
While I'm waiting I will worship
While I'm waiting I will not faint
I'll be running the race even while I wait"  - John Waller,  "While I'm Waiting"

Eyes Wide Open

I've been hearing a lot about this blog lately. Not because of what I what I have been writing, but rather because I haven’t been writing. Apparently, inquiring minds want to know! 

It all started when God dropped Isaiah 1 in our laps. Literally- you might remember that from this post. This chapter strikes such a chord with me that I am certain God Himself engraved it on my very soul. We were already on a journey that we knew would include adoption, but there was a bigger lesson He still had to teach me. 

It goes something like this: sometimes my kids fight (shocking, I know). Sometimes the younger ones lash out in anger and push or snatch toys, or wrestling gets out of hand and one gets hurt. When I correct the offender I always say something like “Aiden is mine. And you hurt him. I won’t tolerate you hurting my Aiden”. It is a nifty little piece of parenting advice I got from someone older and wiser and it works like a charm every time! They know that even though they might not have cared in that moment of anger whether or not the other kid got hurt, they do care that I am upset with them. Pick a fight with one of my kids and I will be the one to defend them. Even if you are one of my kids, too. I will correct you in love, but I will correct you.

Enter Isaiah 1.

At first I didn't like the chapter. I didn't like the accusation or the conviction it brought with all it's seriousness and “you have blood on your hands” stuff. I really didn't like the idea that God that didn't want to hear my rambling prayers for comfort, health, and happiness while I closed my eyes to the things He cared about. (Wait. This isn't all about me, you say?)

The past year God has been at work increasing my fear of the Lord, and as He did, it increased my security in Him. Yep, you read that right, because don’t forget: I’m one of His kids, too. He defends me as much as He does anyone. Seek to hurt or harm me and listen for His whisper of warning: “Bridget is mine”.  This means I’m free to stop worrying about my own concerns and worry about someone else’s.

It’s the most beautiful thing. See, the plan laid out in Isaiah 1 benefits us both- the helper and the one helped. I wash my hands, ie: get a clean conscience and free myself up for blessings and more of the Lord, and the one I help receives mercy, love, or even justice. I call like to call that "winning".  

I don’t want to close my eyes to the problems of others- even if I can't fix them. If I close my eyes too long I fall asleep. Ask my husband. History channel documentaries are like my Benadryl. I can only imagine it works the same way with my soul. Close my eyes, choose indifference over compassion too many times, and my soul might fall asleep. I’m not saying I could lose my salvation here – but when I finally get to heaven I want more than a “get out of hell free” card to flash before Jesus. Know what I mean? I’d like some crowns to lay at his feet.

I’d like to say “I loved with everything I had” and more importantly, for Him to reply “I know.”

So, I’m going to share with you the roads God has taken us down. Yes, one of those roads is adoption. I have been a very busy girl while I haven’t been blogging. I’ve been filling out lots of paperwork, running around for appointments, and most recently stalking the mailman. (Don’t worry Mr. Mailman, I know I watch you with the same creepy, intense gaze of a lion about to pounce on prey, but I promise I’m no threat to you. I’m just hanging out, waiting on a miracle. No big.) I’ll share the details of our progress in my next post and it will be short and to the point long and with lots of “feeling words” and references to the good Book. 

Yet, the Lord has been up to much more than just the adoption and I'd like to share that, too. There has been a definite awakening of sorts around here. And I hope you will see and experience the freedom it is bringing for yourself. “Love God, love others” has been a lingering theme we have been exploring, and it’s turned our world upside down. I like to think this is just the beginning. 

There is an abundant life to be had, folks, and it’s ours for the taking. You coming or what?

“If He comes suddenly, do not let him find you sleeping.” – Mark 13:36

Darkness and Light

Our ears almost ache for something to move us. Even as Christians we can find ourselves praying for God to rekindle the fire that use to burn passionately for Him. We say “Jesus is the Reason for the season” and try to force our focus back on Christ despite the shallowness that bombards us daily. 

Every year I resolve not to spend all my energy on presents and parties. I vow to create memories and deepen traditions while my children are still little. Yet somehow I still feel desperate to show them more. Why? Because they are growing too fast and there is so much I want to say to them about Christmas. Just a few short years away real life is waiting for them and I know what kind of harsh surprises time may have up its sleeve.

The 3 "littlest". Even they won't be little very long. 

I would like to believe that if I looked into my children's future they would be in warm houses with picket fences, have happy marriages, and lots of healthy children. I would hope their biggest worry would be what to serve for Christmas dinner. 

Yet, all around me I am confronted with reality. We are beyond blessed, yet I find my heart heavy as I offer up prayers for people I care for deeply. 

Honest Christians who need jobs, 

loving mothers who await test results; 

faithful friends who mourn the loss of those that can never be replaced. 

I see parents fighting to make an orphan legally their own only to have their intentions questioned. I mean, who could possible love a child with HIV?  (insert eye roll) 

I see other families battling to be reunited with children that God knit into their hearts- desperately praying for God to keep them safe in the meantime.

I see wives fighting to fake Christmas cheer for little ones who feel the weight of a Daddy deployed. Who knew marrying a warrior would mean you had to be one? 

I pray for the faces and the hearts I know and then my mind wanders to all those I don’t. Those who are hurting tonight. My mind journeys past parents who mourn children; past children who mourn parents, or perhaps have never known any. There is so much brokenness in the world. And I see God at work everywhere; I really do. It’s just that this doesn’t look the way I thought Christmas should look.

“Lord, it’s Christmas. It seems so unfitting that there would be such a feeling of… darkness for so many.”

He whispers, “Look closer”.

The story is so familiar that my ears almost go numb at the sound of it: Mary, Joseph, a census and a journey; a stable and a baby. And somehow here in the quiet I see it. I allow myself to ponder it. 

I wonder how long she was in labor. I wonder if the smell of the animals mingling with pain and exhaustion made her nauseous. I know one thing for sure. This wasn't how she thought it would look. After an angel announced that she would give birth to the Savior I bet she felt every emotion we could think of and many we can’t. She must have felt such anticipation and excitement. Yet, I suspect there were days she felt sadness for what would never be. Her marriage just wouldn't start the way she thought it would. Her dreams and plans would have to die to this new life. And in that smelly stable she would go through childbirth and though I imagine she was overwhelmed with love and joy as she held the Messiah, surely at some point she must have looked around and said, “Lord, I just didn't think this is how it would look.”

And can I be painfully honest?

After this birth they would still have to flee to protect Jesus’ life. Herod wanted to kill Him and ordered the murder of every boy younger than 2. Children were massacred. It’s the ugly, hateful truth. Evil was there, even then. It was dark.

And hear me friends, we can’t appreciate the light until we acknowledge the dark. It is real. And we can’t grit our teeth and force joy by decorating a tree, wrapping up more than we can afford, and pretending everything is perfect. It’s so contrary to how Jesus came. We are so wrong to think we can just “simplify” or remember to “keep Christ in Christmas”. We must acknowledge the dark because that is what makes Christmas so awe-inspiring. It is the very thing that breathes joy into our soul- that there is a Light that can eradicate this darkness we feel. 

Yes, the Messiah came. But why?

He came to banish the darkness. Forever.

He came to defeat death. To abolish loneliness and heal heartache- even the deepest, most unbearable heartache. Even that heartache you are hiding. 

He would later drink down every ounce of God’s wrath toward our sin and die on a cross to absorb the punishment. And three days later He would rise in victory. And do you know where He is now? At God’s right hand, praying for YOU. 

Constantly... until you cross over and you see the fullness of that victory- where death has lost its sting and the cares of this world are no more.

Oh, sure, the story isn't finished. We wait in expectation just like Mary did- for a coming Messiah. And maybe tonight you are struggling in that wait. Maybe your heart is heavy. Maybe Christmas feels sort of dark. To you I propose that there is more reason than ever to be joyful this Christmas. When you acknowledge the darkness you can appreciate the coming of the Light.

Even my small boys know about darkness and light. If you give them a flashlight they will run into a dark closet and shut the door. Because the darkness is where we most appreciate the power of the light. 

Yes, this world brings with it lots of hurt. Its pleasures are temporary and nothing it offers ever satisfies. We long for more. We long for deeper joy. We long for a place where loved ones are never separated. But mostly, we just long for God Himself. 

For Hope. 

A Father. 

The One who can Redeem this mess. 

We need Jesus. And when we stop fighting that longing or trying to cover it up with pretty bows- we can rest in the Truth that He IS here with us. He is coming back for us. And He will eradicate this darkness. 

So if I could look into my children's future I would hope to see a lot of comfort and happiness. But at some point they are going to experience darkness of some kind. And I know at least two of them are reading this. So sweet children, I beg you to hear this, my deepest prayer is that when darkness comes you will be ok because I have taught you how to rejoice in the coming of the Light. 

"I have come into the world as a light, so that no one who believes in me should stay in darkness." - Jesus of Nazareth 

"All around us we observe a pregnant creation. The difficult times of pain throughout the world are simply birth pangs. But it’s not only around us; it’s within us. The Spirit of God is arousing us within. We’re also feeling the birth pangs. These sterile and barren bodies of ours are yearning for full deliverance. That is why waiting does not diminish us, any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don’t see what is enlarging us. But the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our expectancy." - Romans 8:22-25 MSG

D Day

It was as hard as I thought it would be.

But God’s grace was evident and your prayers were felt.

The tears started yesterday. She had to say goodbye to “Papa” yesterday. We had known before she ever came that he wouldn’t be here for the goodbye. There was just no way. And it was ok. Really, it was. She said goodbye to him yesterday and then said goodbye to friends at church last night. She bawled the whole way home and I didn’t think my heart would be able to take it. I tried to picture how today would go, but when we picture the future we never account for God’s grace. His grace makes the unbearable seem…well, bearable.

Last night God was loud and clear. I sat down to highlight a few more verses in her Bible. She had helped me previously but I thought I could do it alone. Wow. Translating the verse I wanted into English was easy enough using a translator, but finding it was a whole other story. The books are not in the same order in her Bible. The names of the books are looong. And some of the numbers seemed off. So I *thought* I had found the one I wanted to highlight and I wanted to make sure it said what I thought it said. I began to type the Ukrainian into the translator- which if you haven’t already realized- is a different alphabet. One I am not familiar with! So it was taking for-ev-er and I finally began slowly seeing words appear on the English side. It wasn’t at all the verse I *thought* I wanted to highlight.

Be.

Be still and know.

Be still and know that I am God.

Psalm 46:10  

I didn't know whether to cry or laugh out loud. Ok, God. You are right. This one is better. I don’t really know if it was really for me or for her, but I think probably both.

This morning Nana came to watch the littles while Kayla and I met a friend who would ride along to the airport. We ended up in the airport for much longer than I expected because we were given their passports to hold and helped the children check bags. We were with her until she went through security which must have been a couple of hours total. It felt like 47. Tears flowed off and on but there were smiles and giggles too as she reconnected with friends. They shared each others’ photo albums and she rambled on to them in a way she had not been able to ramble in weeks. Every time she looked at me the tears came again. Lots of “I love you’s” and tears, and she said “Mama you are in here (pointing to her heart) forever”. I motioned back the same. I looked to my friend who was no help because she is a tender hearted mercy kind of girl who was crying with me (thanks for that Sharon- you were perfect today). 

I almost made it out of the airport before I broke down the first time and I am sure it won’t be the last. But the ride home was filled with a mix of tears and laughter, reminiscing about the past few weeks and dreaming about the future. I know this is how God wanted us to spend our summer and I can smile about that. I can smile because His plans are good. His ways are higher, and better. Vika’s summer here was His idea - no doubt. Through the hard and the fun and the frustrations, tears, and laughter. God was all over it.  

And it was bigger than us- you all have told me so.

I haven’t had time to come out of the fog or think through things with perspective. I am looking forward to spending time with God and taking time to see it all through His eyes over the next few days and weeks. I went into “her” room tonight to find a message she left.

And I looked around at the empty hangers in the closet and the few items she left- the pictures she forgot to take off the bulletin board and the handwritten Ukrainian notes. And I just backed out and closed the door. Too soon.

It hurts to love. There is almost imminent danger when you invest a part of your heart into another human being. As I am sure you know by now, I am a mess today. But I am not the girl who started this journey 7 weeks ago and I thank God for that. There are so many signs that God has done a work here. I can’t bring myself to call her an orphan because it’s a label and it feels wrong. She is Vika. She is a person with a name, a face, a sense of humor, and feelings and likes and dislikes. And now I see what He saw all along.  The lessons have been so much different and gone so much deeper than I have even been able to articulate so far. We are changed. And I hope that Vika is changed, too. Actually, I know she is. She is not the same kid who came here 7 weeks ago either. 

There are some hard days still ahead. I don't know about your emotions but mine always lag behind everything else and tag along in a much leakier, much more dramatic fashion than I would prefer. Just bear with me for a few days, ok? If you notice something off like, say... my shoes don't match ... be a doll and just pretend its a new fad. I'll be better in a few days. Promise. 

Because I already know it was worth it. 

It was really too early but my friend went there anyway. “Do you think you will ever do anything like this again”?

I told her this had been so hard and costly in so many ways and today has been excruciating. I never want to do this again today.

But.

We all know that His mercies flow in the morning. ;) 

"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed

 for His compassions never fail. 
²³ They are new every morning;
 great is your faithfulness."     - Lamentations 3:22-23

"For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared to the glory that is to be revealed to us."  - Romans 8:18