Darkness and Light

Our ears almost ache for something to move us. Even as Christians we can find ourselves praying for God to rekindle the fire that use to burn passionately for Him. We say “Jesus is the Reason for the season” and try to force our focus back on Christ despite the shallowness that bombards us daily. 

Every year I resolve not to spend all my energy on presents and parties. I vow to create memories and deepen traditions while my children are still little. Yet somehow I still feel desperate to show them more. Why? Because they are growing too fast and there is so much I want to say to them about Christmas. Just a few short years away real life is waiting for them and I know what kind of harsh surprises time may have up its sleeve.

The 3 "littlest". Even they won't be little very long. 

I would like to believe that if I looked into my children's future they would be in warm houses with picket fences, have happy marriages, and lots of healthy children. I would hope their biggest worry would be what to serve for Christmas dinner. 

Yet, all around me I am confronted with reality. We are beyond blessed, yet I find my heart heavy as I offer up prayers for people I care for deeply. 

Honest Christians who need jobs, 

loving mothers who await test results; 

faithful friends who mourn the loss of those that can never be replaced. 

I see parents fighting to make an orphan legally their own only to have their intentions questioned. I mean, who could possible love a child with HIV?  (insert eye roll) 

I see other families battling to be reunited with children that God knit into their hearts- desperately praying for God to keep them safe in the meantime.

I see wives fighting to fake Christmas cheer for little ones who feel the weight of a Daddy deployed. Who knew marrying a warrior would mean you had to be one? 

I pray for the faces and the hearts I know and then my mind wanders to all those I don’t. Those who are hurting tonight. My mind journeys past parents who mourn children; past children who mourn parents, or perhaps have never known any. There is so much brokenness in the world. And I see God at work everywhere; I really do. It’s just that this doesn’t look the way I thought Christmas should look.

“Lord, it’s Christmas. It seems so unfitting that there would be such a feeling of… darkness for so many.”

He whispers, “Look closer”.

The story is so familiar that my ears almost go numb at the sound of it: Mary, Joseph, a census and a journey; a stable and a baby. And somehow here in the quiet I see it. I allow myself to ponder it. 

I wonder how long she was in labor. I wonder if the smell of the animals mingling with pain and exhaustion made her nauseous. I know one thing for sure. This wasn't how she thought it would look. After an angel announced that she would give birth to the Savior I bet she felt every emotion we could think of and many we can’t. She must have felt such anticipation and excitement. Yet, I suspect there were days she felt sadness for what would never be. Her marriage just wouldn't start the way she thought it would. Her dreams and plans would have to die to this new life. And in that smelly stable she would go through childbirth and though I imagine she was overwhelmed with love and joy as she held the Messiah, surely at some point she must have looked around and said, “Lord, I just didn't think this is how it would look.”

And can I be painfully honest?

After this birth they would still have to flee to protect Jesus’ life. Herod wanted to kill Him and ordered the murder of every boy younger than 2. Children were massacred. It’s the ugly, hateful truth. Evil was there, even then. It was dark.

And hear me friends, we can’t appreciate the light until we acknowledge the dark. It is real. And we can’t grit our teeth and force joy by decorating a tree, wrapping up more than we can afford, and pretending everything is perfect. It’s so contrary to how Jesus came. We are so wrong to think we can just “simplify” or remember to “keep Christ in Christmas”. We must acknowledge the dark because that is what makes Christmas so awe-inspiring. It is the very thing that breathes joy into our soul- that there is a Light that can eradicate this darkness we feel. 

Yes, the Messiah came. But why?

He came to banish the darkness. Forever.

He came to defeat death. To abolish loneliness and heal heartache- even the deepest, most unbearable heartache. Even that heartache you are hiding. 

He would later drink down every ounce of God’s wrath toward our sin and die on a cross to absorb the punishment. And three days later He would rise in victory. And do you know where He is now? At God’s right hand, praying for YOU. 

Constantly... until you cross over and you see the fullness of that victory- where death has lost its sting and the cares of this world are no more.

Oh, sure, the story isn't finished. We wait in expectation just like Mary did- for a coming Messiah. And maybe tonight you are struggling in that wait. Maybe your heart is heavy. Maybe Christmas feels sort of dark. To you I propose that there is more reason than ever to be joyful this Christmas. When you acknowledge the darkness you can appreciate the coming of the Light.

Even my small boys know about darkness and light. If you give them a flashlight they will run into a dark closet and shut the door. Because the darkness is where we most appreciate the power of the light. 

Yes, this world brings with it lots of hurt. Its pleasures are temporary and nothing it offers ever satisfies. We long for more. We long for deeper joy. We long for a place where loved ones are never separated. But mostly, we just long for God Himself. 

For Hope. 

A Father. 

The One who can Redeem this mess. 

We need Jesus. And when we stop fighting that longing or trying to cover it up with pretty bows- we can rest in the Truth that He IS here with us. He is coming back for us. And He will eradicate this darkness. 

So if I could look into my children's future I would hope to see a lot of comfort and happiness. But at some point they are going to experience darkness of some kind. And I know at least two of them are reading this. So sweet children, I beg you to hear this, my deepest prayer is that when darkness comes you will be ok because I have taught you how to rejoice in the coming of the Light. 

"I have come into the world as a light, so that no one who believes in me should stay in darkness." - Jesus of Nazareth 

"All around us we observe a pregnant creation. The difficult times of pain throughout the world are simply birth pangs. But it’s not only around us; it’s within us. The Spirit of God is arousing us within. We’re also feeling the birth pangs. These sterile and barren bodies of ours are yearning for full deliverance. That is why waiting does not diminish us, any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don’t see what is enlarging us. But the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our expectancy." - Romans 8:22-25 MSG

The Most Radical Kind of Obedience

Yesterday I met with a friend who happens to be Russian and for the first time I was able to really communicate with Vika. It gave me a lot of insight and it was helpful in the most unexpected ways, too. It really confirmed what I felt like God was asking of us- and what He wasn’t. Brian and I are crystal clear and on the same page about it and for that I am thankful. But we should have know that- He already said "Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, “This is the way; walk in it.” (Isaiah 30:21). Remind me never to doubt Him. 

We have learned so much more in the past 9 days than we usually learn over several months time. And it’s not at all what we thought we would be learning. It’s a very different thing to love and invest in a teenager- especially one who has years of living as an orphan behind her. It often doesn’t come naturally and it takes lots of understanding and effort to see things through her eyes. Just for one example, she doesn’t recognize that we are a family unit. As Brian said, she just sees us as people who all live in a house. She is very vocal about the fact that she loves Mama, Papa, Kayla, and Gavin. Because when you have not known what “family” really means everyone is an individual. For the most part Aiden is oblivious to the fact that she merely tolerates him because he is young and doesn’t know any better. Isabella, on the other hand, feels every bit of it and wears it on her face. So Sunday after church everyone ate lunch and then Isabella and I went out for some much needed “Mommy-daughter” time. We bought groceries – because lets be real- Mama doesn’t actually have any free time- but first we talked over ice cream. I reassured her of her oh-so-secure place in this family and we got to talk about why we wanted Vika to come in the first place and what it means to love like Christ loves. She is my most sensitive child and yet so eager to try and love like Christ in the face of rejection. And I think she is doing a pretty fantastic job of it to only be 10. Actually, I think she is doing a pretty fantastic job- period.

Vika is a sweet, precious girl but there is so much she still has to learn about love and family. God has put her in our home for seven weeks and that means we have been given some big challenges and also an awesome opportunity. I don’t believe God ever does anything without some eternal value, and I think we are beyond blessed to get a part in that.

The thing that has helped most has been seeing other people come to stand beside us and help. God has been faithful every step of the way. 

Every.single.step. 

And the majority of the time that happens through other people. A couple of friends gave us clothes their girls’ had outgrown- which fit just right and relieved what would have been a big financial burden on us if we had to purchase all those things. We had purchased a few things already and just a few things adds up fast. Of course, we should have already known He would take care of that, too because in Matthew 6 He said “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’  For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." (Matthew 6:28-33). Yeah- that is me- the "you of little faith" part. Remind me to trust Him. 

Another friend sat down to translate so we could communicate, helped us get tons of Christian music in her language, and even the Bible on audio so she can understand it. She let us borrow good movies and helped us find a place to get good books (that I never would have found by myself). Another friend offered up her place if we want to take Vika away for a couple of days to experience her first ever “family vacation” while she is here. Saturday my mom brought crafts to keep all the kids entertained while we sat and talked and stuffed our faces with chips. Others have prayed and sent notes of encouragement at JUST the right moment. This weekend I had an hour to sit with sweet “sisters” and pray together and talk about joys and struggles—and that my friends, is priceless. Sometimes even to be able to listen to someone else’s honesty about their own struggles reminds us it’s ok if it’s hard sometimes.

And the most amazing thing is- that with each of these people it appears as if they are really convinced these are small things. It is as if they don’t know that is just what we needed that day to be reminded that we are not in this alone. To remind us what we are doing here and to remind us that we are just one part of the body of Christ- because let’s be honest- we couldn’t handle the responsibility of being more than one small part. There are things we want to invest that we simply couldn’t do by ourselves. And there are days we feel our own frailty and shortcomings. When the demands start before the coffee does- a little encouragement goes a long way.

And the lesson is this: that we are ALL called. And “called” doesn’t mean what you think. Some of you will be called to go to foreign lands and share Christ with those who have never heard the Gospel. Most of you probably won’t. But you are still called. If you belong to Christ He has a purpose for you in every day. Only He knows what that looks like. Learn to cling tight and listen for His instructions. But don’t miss them because they sound insignificant or don’t make sense to you. 

Somewhere along the way we bought into the lie that we only serve God when it looks “big”- when it involves great sacrifice. And yes, Jesus may very well ask us to sell everything and give it to the poor- that’s Biblical, folks. Sorry! 

But He could just as easily ask you to send a friend a note of encouragement. Or He may tell you who needs those clothes you just cleaned out of your kid’s closet. It may be feeding your friend a fruit smoothy and giving her an hour to talk – or even- to NOT talk. It could be a meal, a note, a call, an invitation. It could be taking cookies to that neighbor you wouldn’t recognize if they were standing next to you in the grocery store line. I mean, seriously- our neighbors- they have souls.

And then there are the orphans. And we are suppose to care for them. I have seen estimates that there are anywhere from 143 million to 160 million orphans in the world. No one will serve them all. But we can all serve. Some will adopt, some will host or foster, some will donate money or time. Others will pick up the phone and call a friend who is doing one of those things and ask “do you need anything”?

Because here is the thing- it all matters. And if you want to love there is a good chance that the person standing right in front of you needs it. God has given you exactly what you need to fulfill your call. It won’t be comfortable but it won’t be impossible. And it WILL be rewarding.

So what is it He is prompting you to do today? We will never know unless we take the time to sit and listen- and the answer might just surprise us.

Because it all matters. And the most radical kind of obedience is not the “biggest” or most showy.

 It’s the kind that shows up everyday. 

People are messy

Yesterday was hard. HARD. 

I wanted to cry.  Let's be honest. I cried. In the privacy of my closet I had a moment. In that moment I wanted to quit. There.... I said it. 

Today has officially been a week since Vika got here so it is probably normal for everyone to be tired. Before she came, I thought that things were always a bit “chaotic” with four children running around. Now I realize that there is a rhythm between us all whether I realized it or not. At times it is almost like a finely tuned orchestra. My children know me. They know my looks and they know when its intended for them. With only the lift of an eyebrow I can remind Isabella to use her “inside voice”. My children know my habits, routines, and pet peeves. They know me so well that when Kayla sits next to me in the passenger seat she automatically reaches into my purse and pulls out my sunglasses before I ask if she can hand them to me. 

Finely tuned orchestra.

And then.

Then someone completely new comes into the picture and its like adding a drummer with completely different sheet music. Suddenly, mainly because of a language barrier- there is a shift and much of the energy of the house revolves around her. Much of my energy revolves around her. And she is 13, but she rarely really IS 13. She is so needy in some ways- like in the area of affection or reassurance- that at times she makes the 6 year old look independent. And five minutes later she is mimicking me and trying to be the Mama- and she is clearly not- and her attempts to be Mama aren’t appreciated by anyone including me. There are cultural differences so vast that I can’t jump the hurdles without explanation and I find it hard to explain via unpredictable translators.

We went swimsuit shopping yesterday which should have been my first clue it was going to be a hard day! I mean, really? Swimsuit shopping with an American teenager - my teenager - made for a stressful day that day! We found a swimsuit and tried to get out of the store but she didn’t understand why I wouldn’t buy her the other things she asked for. She has no concept of money much less how to manage it. America certainly is not the land of moderation- and its hard to communicate the reasons for "no" when everything she knows and sees here screams “the land of excess”.

So it was impossible to know if what appeared to be a bad mood was really pouting or sadness or a sign that she was weary after an entire week of not even being able to speak because no one would understand you if you did. I mean, I'd probably fall out and die if I had to go a whole week. Y'all know me- I'm a wordy girl. 

The thing is… people are messy. And there are reasons behind their behavior whether we see it or not. For six days she has picked Gavin up constantly, kissing all over him and tickling him and getting chaos started. While I spend my time trying to get him to settle down- she spends all her time getting him riled up and making him squeal and run around the house. I try to nicely correct her and tell her when its too much and really time to quit - navigating the land mines of a fragile, delicate child that easily misunderstands correction for rejection. I just decide to overlook the fact that though I don’t allow him to have gum he has been through a pack of hers since she has been here because I need to pick my battles and the other things bother me more. And then finally, when I am frustrated beyond belief- she reveals that though there are small children in her orphanage- she is not allowed to play with them. She can see them- but is not allowed to interact. And suddenly it starts to make sense. To be able to reach out and interact with a small child- its a luxury and a joy she has never known. Its not just a joy to be loved- its an unfamiliar luxury to be able to love. 

Yes, people are messy. In general they are messy. People behave the way they do for a reason. And we unknowingly make decisions all day about which ones will receive our kindness and our grace based on their behavior. We base it on behavior that is usually driven by hurt and brokenness. I do it all day everyday. 

And she has challenged me.

I made the extra effort with her only because though I cannot see the brokenness that drives her behavior, I know it is there. And this gives me the ability- through MUCH begging and pleading with God for help- to love her anyway. But a million times a day everyday I make snap judgements about the lady in front of me at Walmart or the cashier at the grocery store and decide they are just rude. I don’t care about their brokenness because my world revolves around me and my time, my convenience, and my agenda. But His agenda is for a broken world and for broken, messy people to know Him.

And this morning, I see for the first time the vast distances between His agenda and mine. 

But I also remember how much He loves me.

Even though I’m messy. 

A Parent's Purpose

I work part time in a ministry so I often get the chance to talk to people about Christ. What I have learned from this is that many people don’t know exactly what that means. Many people assume they are a Christian because they went to a Christian church when they were little, because their parents are Christians, or even because they go to church and believe in God.

I heard a powerful message at church yesterday about parenting and it had both Brian and I examining our own parenting and refocusing on our goals. If you had asked me Saturday what my greatest desire for my children would be I would have told you that it was “for them to know Jesus”.

Not anymore.

There are a couple of verses I have been thinking about. Here is one of those verses:

"On judgment day many will say to me, ‘Lord! Lord! We prophesied in your name and cast out demons in your name and performed many miracles in your name.’ But I will reply, ‘I never knew you. Get away from me, you who break God’s laws.’" - Matthew 7:22-23

So, no, my greatest goal for my children is not for my children to know Jesus. Its for Jesus to know them. That when they stand before God He will not judge them as frauds, or cultural Christians, or hypocrites; that He wouldn’t be able to say that they used Him to make themselves more important or used Him as an accessory to a life full of other “nice” things.

My greatest goal for my children is that when they get to heaven, Christ will look at them and say “that one belongs to Me. He is mine- or she is Mine”. That they will not use Him to make themselves look important, but that they will use their lives to show His importance.

So, no, sweet children, I am not overly concerned that you are unhappy with my decisions all the time. In fact, that is my first clue that I might be doing something right.

And no, darling, I don’t care that everyone else is doing it because I am accountable for being a parent to you and I am not prepared to answer for what “everyone else is doing”.

And yes, I am very proud that you learned all your verses in AWANA. But I am going to want to see you apply that to your life. I want to see you practice kindness and obey your Dad and I because I know that you can’t impress God with your works and you desperately need His grace.

And most of all, PLEASE don’t tell me that you "want to do big things for God"- because this is not about you- its about Him. Just surrender to Him every day and whatever fruit comes out of that is His and His alone.

And what would I say to myself? No, you can’t let up or give in. Being inadequate isn’t a good enough excuse because God isn’t interested in excuses- only replacements. So today, I must get out of the way and let Him do what I can’t. I don’t know how to lead children, teach children, or raise up Godly young men and women. So, my only hope is to surrender to the One who knows how and has done so time and time again.

So if you are a parent and you are tired, don’t give up, or give in, and don’t be afraid to admit you don’t have all the answers. I have looked through the Bible and it appears the only kind of person God ever used was the inadequate kind. So, being inadequate is the very thing that qualifies us to be good parents- if we surrender.

“Each time he said, ‘My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.’ So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. – 2 Corinthians 12:9

Monday's Motivation

A little motivation for your Monday. Enjoy!

To live as an image bearer

I am not a big fan of New Year's Resolutions. This is mostly because I am not a fan of diets, eating healthy, or exercise. Judge if you must. I do have goals. As we enter this new year one of those goals overwhelmingly rises to the top. In 2011 I wish to be poured out like a drink offering to the Lord. Sure, its a lofty goal for a girl like myself. I am plagued by busyness, selfishness, sometimes laziness (although, I think four kids was a good start to curing that last one). The point of the matter is we all battle that "flesh"-- that part of us that wants the world to be about us. We are born with it. Believe me, I have a two-year old. I know.

To help save for the adoption we got rid of cable and got Netflix (only $10 a month). Unfortunately Gavin misunderstood what was meant by "movies on demand". In this house, demanding to watch Diego doesn't fly! As often as I roll my eyes at him, I also wonder if I am looking at what God sees in me. It makes me cringe to thing of it. How often does the same God who tells the sun when to rise and set hear us, mere creatures of his creation, look at Him and say "ummmm, NO." Wow, and I thought Gavin had some nerve.

I posted a short video below that I found to be a great reminder to us all. We are image bearers. And if we are image bearers of Christ then this should be true everywhere we go. So my goal this year is to pursue God with a passion that grows more intense as the months pass. In the end I want to be able to say I poured my life out like a drink offering for the Lord. And I think that starts by living like an image bearer. We need to stop demanding things from a Holy God and get acquainted with the Person whose image we bear.

"Image Bearers" - Matt Chandler