Firsts

Words normally flow easily but the past few days they just wouldn’t come. 

Yesterday Vika and Kayla went to a pool party for the youth that go to our church. I was able to take the time to pack her big bag, as I had told her I would. As a mother of four I can pack more in one suitcase than most people can pack in three and she is only allowed one bag and one carry on. Since she came with nothing you might expect this would be easy, but this child has been loved. And her bag overflows with clothes and small things contributed from all the people who have in some way loved her while she was here. As I packed I could only hope her heart and her “cup” overflows the way her bag does. As I rolled each piece of clothing as tight as it would go and placed it in the bag my dread increased. I knew which things were most important and needed to make it into that bag. Then when I was done I worked steadily to finish her scrapbook of her time here. I pulled together pictures and I knew which memories where her favorites and needed an important place in that book. I knew what verses might be best. Yes, Vika is known. She is loved.

Last week we got to escape reality and take Vika to the beach. The time there was great. It felt like the clock stopped and she stopped counting down her days and stopped asking about when she was leaving. She experienced her first “family vacation”. She had said she had seen the sea before but it was apparent that this was really her first time at the “beach”. Whatever her experience before, it didn't compare to this one. It was also her first time staying overnight. 

Jumping waves. That's a happy face, folks. 

Enjoying the ocean

And the pool. 

We went to the beach in the mornings and we stayed out until late only leaving to alternate with the pool. We never watched the clock and the time was never important. It was so good for all of us to have that week. It was as if God stopped the clock for a few moments.

 On the last day we packed up and as we started the drive home she quietly said "thank you, Mama, Papa" and motioned that she meant for the vacation. I noticed she was a little teary and the dread began to creep in again. All I could think was that I was so thankful for that week when we didn't have to think about the reality that was waiting for us in the coming days. 

And I know I had said I would blog all about it. Last night I finished most of the packing and I finished her scrapbook and I glanced at the computer. I did remember, but I saw my husband sitting on the couch and I decided I didn't have it in me to write. So filled with dread and heartache, I chose instead to lay on the couch with my head in his lap and because he knows me so well he didn't say a word but just ran his fingers through my hair until I fell asleep. 

But morning still came, and this morning held more firsts. The first goodbyes. The first flood of tears. And it was hard to watch. There is no escape, no way to walk away unaffected. No where to go but straight through it. 

I don't even know how to sugarcoat this one. It hurts. It’s awkward and painful and it cuts deep. I wish I could hide and I keep telling God that I don't actually know how to do this. I don't know how to comfort her and there are few things I can actually say. I can't make her promises I don't know to be true and I have no idea what the future looks like for her. I keep praying for that future and I keep confessing to Him that I think he chose the wrong person to do this. I tell Him I feel helpless- and He is going to have to do everything because I can't do this on my own. 

But in the midst of all the chaos, there is this one small voice. And He reminds me constantly that He can be trusted. 

That He is enough. 

That He is strong when I am weak. 

That we have NEVER walked alone. 

That His ways are higher and better. 

That His plans for her are for good, to give her a future and hope. 

And that He loved her FIRST. 

Pray with us. 

"No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."  - Romans 8:37-39